….and you never know where taking the first one will lead to….
I haven’t written in a couple of months because I have been lovingly catapulted into some new level of my existence and I’ve been too busy digesting it all to be able to write about what was happening. This may sound overly dramatic, but it is the only way I can describe what has been happening to me over the past couple of months. My intense feeling, the last time I blogged, of “I think I’m on the edge of something big….” was right on. Something has broken free inside me and there’s no going back.
Minutes after posting my last blog entry, I was asked by a friend if I would participate in the Seattle Erotic Arts Festival by writing a poem inspired by one of the pieces of art to be displayed at the festival. I felt like I had cried out to the universe and it had answered me! Of course I said yes to my friend and proceeded to write in a way I had never written before and on a topic I hadn’t touched on prior to this. I performed this piece during all three days of the festival and it was an amazing experience. Sharing my truth in my most authentic voice with strangers in such an amazing setting was, I now believe, life changing.
I met some lovely new people at the festival and one of my new friends invited me to a hot springs outing with a group the following week. Once again, this proved to be one of those experiences after which life is different in ways that can’t really be articulated. Something about being out in nature in this way, led me to connect with my innermost self in a way that can’t be planned or anticipated.
Sitting in all the different pools of cold to hot water and especially spending an hour in a sauna-like naturally occurring cave was incredible. The therapeutic waters of the hot spring had baptised me, it seems, and I emerged different than I had entered. Something happened to me in that cave on an energetic level that I will never be able to explain and I will never be able to forget.
The following weekend, a new friend I had met during the hot springs adventure invited me to go with another group of people to spend a few days in a hundred year old cabin on a lake a few hours outside of Seattle. I was starting to really feel like one lucky lady!
The weekend spent being one with the surrounding nature and having amazing conversations about all aspects of life, love, and relationships was so lovely and felt so needed. At one point, I sat on the ground by the lake and could not stop crying. It felt like old ideas were earthquaking their way out of my body and were being released through the tears. When I finally stopped sobbing, it felt like a weight I had no idea was even there had been lifted off my chest and like I had infinitely more room to breathe. It was an actual physical sensation in the center of my chest.
A couple of days after I got back to Seattle, it hit me really hard that I maybe needed to move on from this place. This was startling, since there is so much I love about Seattle and I hadn’t had any thoughts of leaving the entire time I’ve lived here. But the truth of this was “beamed” into me in a way I couldn’t deny and I started mulling over what this may mean. I also wrote a poem about body image that was quite a breakthrough for me:
my body is not imperfect pieces
it is splending mystery of nature
my body is not bent wire to hang cloth on
it is skin o beat that makes heart dance
my body is not tan lines and stretch marks
it is heavenly contours unrepeated elsewhere
my body is not to be loved or hated
it is to be accepted
go by yourself to the edge of the river
peel off the clothes that scream their judgements
and listen to the wind as it whistles its approval
feel the sunshine as it kisses everything you silent scream at in the mirror
the trees are companions that don’t compare your shape with theirs
the earth holds you
the sky protects you
nobody blames you
play on the rocks
loll in the grass
drape your body unapologetically across a whitewashed tree trunk
close your eyes and feel where you end, where the wood begins, and then let go of the difference
know that you are as perfect as the air you breathe
accept that you were built with a purpose
All signs point to the fact that I’ve accepted a range of aspects of myself over the course of a couple of months that I was struggling to accept before. Nothing happens in a vacuum and everything I’ve gone through prior to this has helped lead me to this point, but I distinctly sense that the events and moments I’ve tried to capture in this blog entry have been pivotal ones in my life and have resulted in a layer of the onion being peeled off in a way that reveals brand new “skin” (in every sense of the word, inside and out).
Last night, while I was out at a hip hop show, listening to my friend Cody (a.k.a Sadistik)perform one of his songs (Wake Up Dead from his album The Art of Dying), I had an epiphany when I heard one of the lines:
Weather in Seattle matches perfectly inside my skull
Everything is dark, everything is grey and cold/
All of a sudden it hit me. This used to be true for me. It no longer is. This is why I may be feeling like I have to leave Seattle, a place that has given me so much over the past four years and yet a place that is becoming not enough for me in a lot of ways that are important to me. Who knows where my next steps will lead me….